A Writer

Revision is a way to “see again” your writing, with the aim of making it better. And “better” means making it appeal to the reader in a way that the reader expects. And this means ensuring that the whole theme and all the paragraphs have the required structure, that the sentences are varied and formally interesting, and that the theme has no mechanical errors--errors of punctuation, spelling, grammatical construction, and word usage. Final grading is also, of course, based upon the same criteria.

The following are some relevant questions to ask of the theme during the revision process:

A. Is there a title? Is it appropriate? An appropriate title acts like a mini-introduction: it gets the readers’ interest and provides some information about what the theme is about. It acts like an exciting label.

B. Is the introduction appropriate? An appropriate introduction, minimally, uses one of the ten openings that are guaranteed to work. But more than that, it use an introductory technique that works best for this the particular theme in question. The introduction also provides information about what the body of the paper is about.

C. Is the body of the paper providing the details in appropriate paragraph form? Do the body paragraphs have a guiding topic sentence? Do the paragraphs have transitions, especially between the main theme parts? Are the transition paragraphs there to link paragraphs together or are they only fill material not really necessary? Are there enough details in every paragraph for the reader to form images? (In other words, have you “translated” the “buzzing confusion” inside your own head into words that enable the reader to picture what you mean?)

D. Is the conclusion appropriate? Does it, primarily, unify the paper? Does it contain a lasting image?

E. Are the sentences varied, using different types of sentences to provide rhythm to the overall theme and to provoke interest in the appropriate places?

F. Are there any comma splices, fused sentences, fragments, verb tense shifts? Are the quotation marks indicating exact speech or the copied text? Is the shift in dialogue from each speaker a new paragraph? Are words that are easily confused in writing spelled correctly, words like “there,” “their,” and “they’re”? Are pronouns used only after the nouns, and do the pronouns agree with the nouns in number (singular pronouns for singular nouns, etc.)?

An A paper is correct in all counts, from A to F. A B paper has no mistakes in A to D but perhaps is weak in E and may have a mistake or two in F. A C paper may have one mistake in A to D, some weakness in E and, perhaps, several mistakes in F. A D paper has more than one mistake in A to F, poor sentence style, and many mistakes in F. And a failing paper has serious problems in A to F, poor sentence style, even if there are no mistakes in F.

Most Common Punctuation Mistakes

[master these or be a slave to them]

1) The comma splice

Two sentences joined only with a comma is a comma splice. Example: I went to the store, I bought apples. Sentence, sentence. This is not okay. Fix it by changing the comma to a semi-colon or use a coordinating conjunction after the comma, like this: I went to the store; I bought apples. Or like this: I went to the store, and I bought apples. Sentence, and sentence. [Or like this: Sentence, and sentence.] The other common coordinating conjunctions are but, yet or, and nor.

2) The run-on

A run-on is two complete sentences not joined with any punctuation: I went to the store I bought apples. Sentence sentence. No good at all. Fix it as with the comma splice: semi-colon or comma plus coordinating conjunction.

3) The sentence fragment

This is any non-complete sentence (though incomplete sentences are okay in dialogue).

Here are some obvious examples: If I wanted to; the boys don’t; since he arrived.

Most sentence fragments can be easily joined with a comma to the nearest complete sentence.

I can jump off this building. If I wanted to. This complete sentence and fragment can be easily changed to:

I can jump off this building, if I wanted to.

4 Punctuating Dialogue

Every time a new voice enters into your [written] conversation, you indicate it with a new paragraph. Here is an example:

I had just jumped off the building when I saw John. I said, “Hey, John!”

“Hi, Mary!” he yelled.

“Did you see me jump?” I asked.

Mary looked at me kind of funny and said, “You’re an idiot.”

Notice the use of the question mark and exclamation points. They don’t go after the words “asked” or “yelled” since they are not connected to the words that were said.

There are many sites on the internet that will help a person with punctuating dialogue. Here is one:

http://www.write101.com/gilks.htm

5 Apostrophes

Apostrophes indicating possession:

This is the boy’s glove. [One boy owns this glove.]

This is the boys’ glove. [More than one boy owns this glove.]

These are the boys’ gloves. [More than one boy owns more than one glove.]

Apostrophes indicating letters missing:

I can’t do that. [I cannot do that.]

I’ll do it. [I will do it.]

It’s okay. [It is okay.]

Introductory Techniques / Beginnings are Everything

There are many ways to begin an essay, but there are not very, very many. We begin in ways that are familiar to the reader, but we begin in ways that are not too overly familiar. Variety and familiarity, this is what we expect in all of our writing, especially in the way we write introductions.

The suggestions listed below are "tried and true." They work. And they also are infinitely expandable because they are not determined by content. They are formal techniques. Use one of these forms, but use your own content. If you don't believe that these techniques work, examine an essay that you like and see if the writer does not use one of the techniques listed below. And if the writer doesn't, what technique is being used? Add it to the list.

1) Tell a story. Begin your essay with a short story. Everyone loves a story. Once upon a time ....

2) Open with a question. A question demands an answer. It matters little what the question is, if you ask it, the person you ask will try to answer. In writing, it is the reader who will try, and by making that attempt the reader has entered into your writing. Now you have to keep the reader interested.

3) Use a quotation. A quotation is usually a good beginning because you have chosen the quoted material just because it is important to your story; therefore, the reader will also probably find it important. The reader may also recognize the quote and feel comfortable about it, sharing some of your insight. This is why politicians use quotes all of the time in their speeches.

4) Use an outrageous statement. The reader will probably not agree with the statement, but at least you have gotten the reader's attention. After that you can qualify your statement.

5) Use facts. There is something about facts that appeal to most readers. We live in an "Information Age." If the facts are especially startling, then you have an even stronger grip on the reader's attention.

6) State your main point, your thesis. Sometimes it is best to just come right out with what it is you are concerned with. Most people admire directness; however, this opening is the least dramatic of all of the others and does little to get the readers’ attention.

7) Use an anecdote, even if you don't agree with it, usually if you don't agree with it.

8) Begin with a dramatic scene. Conflict always gets our attention.

9) Begin with a descriptive scene. For an excellent example of a student paper using this technique, see Bill Ferguson’s essay “Thick Sliced Bologna” in Voices Electric.

10) Start with dialogue. This is an example of a dramatic scene, but it often has more impact because you have real people’s voices in your paper. And real voice almost always gets people’s attention.

Topic Sentences & Paragraph Organization

Except for specialized paragraphs (like transition paragraphs), every paragraph in the Body of the paper is organized around two different but related ways of recording a writer’s experience. These two ways are called induction and deduction. Deduction gives the principle, idea, or focus statement first; then all the details that make that statement true follow from it. Induction gives the details first, everything necessary for the principle, idea, or focus statement to be true.

Here is an example of an experience that I will write about.

I walk into the classroom. I look around and state that the room is drab. This is my focus statement. I could say many things about the room. It could remind me of other rooms. I could tell a story about what happened to me last week in the room. I could comment on the weather, visible through the windows in the room. But I don’t. I mention that the room is drab. That is my focus statement. Now, when I write about the room, this statement organizes everything that goes into the paragraph about the room. I mention the color of the walls, what the walls are made of. I write about the furniture, the ceiling, and the floor. I see that the only thing that is at all colorful is the fire alarm.

Here’s the paragraph that I write:

This sure is a drab looking room. Check it out. There’s nothing but gloom going on here. The floor is some kind of speckled tan tile thing. If you look closely at it, it might remind you of something your dog threw up. Three of the walls are tan and the other a blue-green-grey color, seemingly designed to make you fall asleep. The ceiling is acoustic tile, with lights hidden behind plastic covers. Even the television mounted high on the wall in the front of the class is black, black, the color of the chairs. The only thing with the least bit of color is the fire alarm, a small splash of red midst the over all gloom.

What I have written is a deductive paragraph. First comes the focus point [that the room is drab], then the supporting details.

An inductive paragraph starts with the details and leads the reader to the conclusion that “this sure is a drab looking room.”

The Comma Splice, or making a comma do slave labor

The comma splice is, perhaps, the most common mistake in writing. I say “perhaps” because I know of no real statistics about such things, but it does seem that it is one of the most common mistakes that student writers make. It’s an example of using commas to do more that they should, hence my reference to slave labor in my title. Commas are tricky in that they have several uses, more so than any other punctuation mark, which is why not using them is often as hard as using them. And to avoid the comma splice error you have to not use a comma but use some other punctuation instead.

What is this error? A comma splice error is using a comma to join to complete sentences. Here is an example: A comma splice error is common in student writing, in fact it’s very common.

What is the solution? There is an easy way to correct the comma splice error: use a period to end the first sentence. Here is the solution: A comma splice error is common in student writing. In fact, it’s very common.

Is this the best solution? There is no easy way to answer that question since that question is also a question of style. You see a naked person wandering down the street. You quickly put a coat on the person. Perhaps the coat is old; perhaps it is out of style. That doesn’t really matter. All you are doing is trying to deal with the problem. It’s similar to this problem. You can easily fix the problem with exchanging the comma with a period. But a better solution, one with more style, would be to use a semi-colon. Here is that more stylish solution: A comma splice error is common in student writing; in fact, it’s very common.

Is this, more stylish solution, the best solution? A better solution would be to use a colon instead of a semi-colon. A semi-colon just joins two complete and closely related sentences. A colon also joins them but indicates that the second one is closely related and subordinate to the first one. Here is that solution: A comma splice error is common in student writing: in fact, it’s very common.

You may think that the difference between using a semi-colon and a colon is a very minor difference. And that is true. However, it is the overall effect of a lot of minor differences that make for sentence style.

Now you know the connection of a naked person and the comma splice: amuse and astound your friends with this new knowledge.

The Noun Count: seeing if your theme involves the reader in your story

A Labor Day of Thanksgiving

[edited, body paragraphs modified]

The sun shines brightly through the delicately laced patterns of cotton adorning the oversized kitchen window. As I stand there, entranced in the repetitive motions of my hands and the soothing warmth of the sudsy water, I glance upward. Through the window I see my children playing softball with their father in the backyard. Focusing more intently, I begin to hear giggling as the girls scurry after the ball. Daddy is looking on and smiling, much as I am from behind the curtains. From the living room a voice from within the television announces the need for volunteers to help with the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon and I am reminded of a time last summer when I first began to truly empathize with those living with muscular dystrophy. [The underlined words are not all the nouns, only those that are concrete, that can be visualized. Others, such as “time last summer” and “muscular dystrophy,” though valid, are more abstract.]

The end of May was fast approaching, and my family doctor remained puzzled by my symptoms. For five months she had watched me continue to steadily lose weight, strength, and range of movement. … [Notice that each Body paragraph tells a small story.]

A few weeks later I had my first appointment with the neurologist, who after an examination and later an EMG, ordered a DNA test to confirm his findings. He informed me that he believed I had one of two forms of MD. …

A few weeks later I had my first appointment with Dr. Nelson. I didn't know how I was or was supposed to be feeling. He tried to encourage me, and I became more hopeful as he described other treatable possibilities. … The pain dulled to a throb as he held up the prize specimen commenting on its beauty and handing it to the nurse. Then he began stitching my skin back together while my bicep was on its way to the lab.

As soon as the results were in, Dr. nelson called to give me what we called "better news," not good, but better than previously thought. …

Fifteen months later, after a long and painful struggle, both physically and emotionally, I have been able to come closer to that goal than I had actually believed possible. I have lowered my steroid dosage, but continue to take a high dose of an anticancer drug. The side effects are manageable; I just need a little more rest to combat the fatigue, but I think that's something all moms need. And so today, as I stand again by this kitchen window and hear my children yelling, "Mommy, come outside and play!" I think of how lucky I am to be able to go. Stepping out into the yard and picking up the bat, I realize that in a way Labor Day is also my Thanksgiving. It reminds me to think about what I could have lost and those who have lost or never gotten the chance to have. I thank God for the miracles He has given me and pray for those still suffering, for the father who cannot leave his bed to teach his children to play ball and for the child who will never be able to play.

[This whole essay is available in Voices Electric]

[Notice, there are many more nouns in this paragraph, some more abstract than others.]

Introduction: 21 concrete nouns / Conclusion: 21 concrete nouns

Sentence Variety

Look at the paragraph by Edwin Way Teale below. Look at the length of the sentences. Sentence length is an important part of sentence variety, a way to establish rhythm in your paragraphs.

Song of the Whitethroat

Windless, silent, under a low ceiling of gray, this first morning of the new year is like an echoing room. (19 words) Sounds carry far as I walk the mile along the swamp edge, past the Insect Garden hillside and on to Milburn Pond. (22 words) In a tangle of cat-briar and shadbush, near the edge of the frozen water, a white-throated sparrow is singing a snatch of its springtime song (26 words). Again and again, I hear the pure, ethereal strain, simple, moving, bringing back in memory a late spring day on a lake shore in the forests of Maine. (28 words) No other voice among all the singers of nature affects me more deeply. (14 words) The song of the white-throated sparrow—how fine a beginning for a new year! (15 words) The paragraph contains sentences of the following number of words: 19, 22, 26, 28, 14, 15.

Sentence length is not the only kind of variety. Look at the circles that you made, indicating the subjects of the sentences. The first one comes after the tenth word. The second begins with the subject. The third comes after the eighteenth word.

The fourth after the third word. The fifth comes after the second word. The sixth comes after the first word.

Since the subject is the most important part of the sentence, and the standard sentence has the subject in the first position, any change from this standard produces variety within the sentence; however, Teale produces variety within his paragraph by varying the placement of the subject with each sentence.

Only one sentence begins with the subject, another begins after one word, :the.” Another begins after two words. Another after three. And then others after many, many words. The placement of the subject in the sentence is often an overlooked part of sentence variety. By placing the subject in different parts of his sentences, Teale establishes rhythm through the use of pauses brought about by comma and dashes, as well as the periods that end the sentences.

Look at the first sentence:

Windless, silent, under a low ceiling of gray, this first morning of the new year is like an echoing room.

A visual diagram indicating the pauses looks like this:

-----------, -------- , ----- - --- --------- -- ------ , ---- ----- ---------- -- --- --- ------ -- ----- -- ------------- ------- .

Sentence variety is complex. Here, though, are three factors influencing sentence variety:

sentence length ; the placement of the subject; the use of commas.

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