Palms sweating, body trembling, tears rolling down her face, my six-year-old daughter, clung tight to my legs. "Please Mommy, I don't want to ask that lady for my change."
Crouching down so that I would be eye to eye with her I asked, "Shauna, you need to tell her that she did not give you change."
Her eyes were open wide with fear as she begged, "Please Mommy, I can't ask her, can you do it?"
I felt pangs of sympathy for her and I answered, "All right I will ask this time, but
Shauna you have to learn to tell people what you want."
A look of relief spread across her face, and she smiled. This incident and similar ones have happened since Shauna was a small toddler. Shauna is a shy child. She is now 12 years old and struggles daily with shyness. As a parent, I have helplessly watched as shyness robbed her of socializing and enjoying her life to the fullest potential. She is very gifted artistically and has a hidden dream of becoming an animator. Although she realizes that her artwork is outstanding, she lacks the self-confidence needed to realize her dream. Shyness prevents her from sharing her artwork in a demonstrative setting. I wanted to acquire the solutions that will help Shauna overcome her painfully shy behaviors.
I decided to find answers to what shyness is, how it becomes manifested in a person, and what can be done to change it. In the process of changing the shy behaviors Shauna could become more social, build her self-confidence, and realize her dream of being an animator.
My first step in this process was to find out what shyness is and its causes. Obtaining the answers to these questions was half the battle. My second step was to sit down with Shauna and find out the "triggers" for her shyness. Finally, the last step was to find ways to help her modify her shy behaviors. These modifications would lead to more opportunities for her to effectively socialize and gain confidence.
Philip G. Zimbardo is an Associate Professor of Psychology at Stanford University, founder of the Stanford Shyness Clinic, and the co-author of The Shy Child. He describes shyness as "Self-imposed loss of basic freedoms, much as incarceration denies prisoners their rights to freedom of speech, association, and acting in one's own best interest"(Zimbardo & Radl 3). My daughter, Shauna, is in a self-imposed prison because of her shy behaviors.
Nature vs. Nurture and Shyness
Psychologists have two views of shyness. The "nature" view is that some infants are genetically predisposed to be shy. The "nurture" view is that infants learn shyness from their environment. I believe it is a combination of both views. Lynne Henderson, co-author of the Internet article Encyclopedia of Mental Health: Shyness reports these findings from the Jerome Kagan & Snidman study of shy babies:
Stimuli such as moving mobiles and tape recordings of human voices trigger an easily arousable sympathetic system that manifests itself in increased heart rate, jerky and vigorous movements of arms and legs, excessive crying and urgent signals of distress. (Henderson )
Shauna demonstrated this type of behavior as an infant and toddler. She did not like loud noise or sudden movement. She was easily aroused to cry at these kinds of stimuli even though she was responded to and held. During her infancy, she would respond to new people by turning away and tightening her grip around my neck. When my daughter was a toddler she would meet a stranger then hide behind me and peek out at them. For the first four birthdays of her life the family would sing Happy Birthday to Shauna. She would cry, cover her ears and say, "No, no, too loud."
Lynn Henderson states the Jerome Kagan & Snidman study also revealed, "Evidence that these biological components of shyness are a manifestation of a genetic predisposition is found in parents and grandparents of inhibited infants who report childhood shyness" (Henderson). My husband was a shy child, I was an extroverted shy child, and both our mothers were shy children. Upon further discussion with older family members I discovered that many direct relatives were also shy.
"Other biological correlates," states Henderson, "are blue eye color with blond hair, pale skin and allergies, especially hay fever"(Henderson). All three of these biological correlates describe Shauna. Our family members who were shy as children had blonde or dark hair and a variety of eye colors with or without allergies.
The view of "nurture" or "environmental triggers" is also linked to the manifestation of shyness. John Malouff, Associate Professor of Psychology at Nova Southeastern University, Fort Lauderdale, Florida states in his Internet article, "Helping Young Children Overcome Shyness" the following environmental reasons, "...(b) a less than firm attachment bond between parent and child, (c) poor acquisition of social skills, or (d) parents, siblings or others harshly and frequently teasing or criticizing a child (Malouff).
I do not believe the criteria by Malouff describe Shauna's environment. She has a strong attachment to her father and myself. Although she was not very sociable to people, she was not familiar with as a child. Shauna had the normal amount of teasing from her older sibling, Lauren. A concern that I had when they were small was that Lauren would answer questions for Shauna. She depended on Lauren to intervene for her when she needed to ask for things. Lauren's interventions of answering for Shauna became a habit and required deliberate intervention from me. I would correct Lauren at those times because it prevented Shauna from answering for herself. Lauren also initiated pretend play and told Shauna the role she would be playing. I had to tell her to let Shauna choose her roles. Phillip Zimbardo gives the following guidelines for the best parenting style to combat shyness:
The authoritative style is most likely to create feelings of security and self-confidence in a child. The authoritative parent is affectionate, has a realistic grasp of what a particular child is capable of at a particular stage of development, and both talks and listens to his or her child. That parent will modify rules and decisions when situations change or there is persuasive evidence (sometimes offered by the child) to do otherwise. (Zimbardo & Radl 32)
I was a stay-at-home mother for many years. I provide a loving and safe environment for my daughters with much affection. I discipline fairly and consistently. My husband also provides the same environment for our four children. Shauna is the second oldest child, and I try to give her equal time and attention. I did schedule times for eating, bathing, reading to them, and sleeping when she and her older sibling were small. We had regular outings to either educational events or parks. We went on these outings without extra individuals. In retrospect, I wish I had provided more social opportunities for Shauna with other children. Lauren and Shauna were 18 months apart in age, and it was easier to let them play together. Also, I should have provided Shauna with the opportunity to complete small tasks at home like picking up toys. Because I was at home I picked up their toys and did other small tasks for them. Allowing Shauna to complete small tasks would have helped her self-confidence.
I have always tried to encourage my children's interests and talents. I was aware of Shauna's artistic abilities at the age of two years. She drew on my walls with a crayon, and I was less than pleased. However, I noticed that she had drawn a head, and a complete body with fingers. I said, "Shauna, you should not draw on the walls with crayon, but this is a good drawing." She smiled and drew on the wall the next day. I bought drawing paper and pencils after the second day so that her creativity would flourish. I assumed because she was artistic that shyness was a part of a creative personality. It was not until her kindergarten year that I realized her shyness would cause her problems. Shauna's teacher pointed out her shyness to me in a less than kind way. She said that she was "disappointed" in her for not participating, asking questions and she felt that Shauna was "shy."
Her attitude certainly made me feel bad, and even worse it was making Shauna feel bad. She could sense the teacher's dislike for her and it troubled her. Philip Zimbardo makes this comment about shy students in his book, Shyness:
On the basis of our observation of school children in their classes… . We can make the following conclusions about shy students: They are reluctant to initiate conversation, activities, add new ideas, volunteer, or ask questions. (68)
My husband and I talked the teacher about Shauna's anxiety toward the classroom, and she promptly pointed her finger at our parenting skills. We ended up withdrawing her to a different school, and I continued to worry and tried to protect her.
I talked to my mother and mother-in-law about her shyness over the years, and they both said she would eventually "outgrow" it. Unfortunately, at the age of twelve Shauna has still not "outgrown" shyness. Like many parents of shy children, I made the mistake of little intervention in the early years of her shyness. Even though those mistakes were made I am a firm believer in "its never too late." John Malouff's Internet article, "Helping Young Children Overcome Shyness" is an impressive account of his strategies to help his four-year-old daughter, Elizabeth, overcome her shyness. His success with his daughter was an encouragement to me that overcoming shyness can be accomplished.
I decided the same ideas could be applied to my daughter on a different level by following the adolescent guidelines in Philip Zimbardo and Shirley Radl's' book, The Shy Child. Before Zimbardo's guidelines could be followed I had to find out from Shauna what her "triggers" were and how she felt about her shyness. This task proved to be the most difficult part of my research.
An Interview with Shauna
Shauna and I sat down in a private place, and I asked her questions based on "The Sociability Questionnaire" sent to me by Jonathan Berent. The scores are based on the number of answers correct. Possible results are Low range: 17 and below, Medium: 18-27, and High: 28 or above. Shauna scored 12 answers correct. This score placed her in the low range of sociability. I then asked her more in depth questions based on the same questionnaire.
Shauna shared with me that she has great difficulty in meeting new people. She has physiological symptoms of nausea, nervousness, fear, and sweaty palms. She expressed that she thinks about how she sounds and looks to the person she has just met. She worries about her appearance and does not maintain eye contact. She does not know what to say and stammers. Zimbardo states that:
While the shy body is churning, the shy mind is even more agitated. It is filled with unpleasant thoughts and sensations. There is an excessive degree of self-consciousness, over concern for how poorly the situation is being handled and what kind of evaluation others are making, as well as free-floating negative thoughts. They lack adequate verbal skills necessary to feel comfortable in conversations. They lack assertiveness skills to negotiate interpersonal conflicts and to initiate action in their best interest. (Zimbardo & Radl 14)
Shauna said that she feels very anxious when talking to teachers, or adults. Shyness interferes with her schoolwork. Shauna is afraid to ask questions in class because the other students might think she is dumb.
Shauna answered "The Sociability Questionnaire"(Berent) slowly and with much thought. She began to cry, and I stopped asking her questions and listened as she talked about her feelings. It was good to hear what she had to say because Shauna usually keeps her personal feelings to herself. It was painful for me as her mother because she is my child, and I hurt when she hurts. This intimate time with my daughter convinced me that her shyness was more than something she would "outgrow." We talked about possible solutions that would help her make the transition to a more confident way to socialize. She was enthusiastic and seemed relieved that she had shared her inner feelings. I told her that we are a team and would work on changes together. This suggestion made her smile and relax.
Team Solutions for Shyness
Dr. Zimbardo writes, "We believe that the pain and pressures of the teen-age years are considerably greater for today's young people than they have been for most previous generations… . If it is a bad time generally for all adolescents, one can safely assume that it is far worse for the shy ones"(Zimbardo & Radl 171). I missed the opportunity to help Shauna change shy behaviors as a young child. Intervening to change shy behaviors at a young age is easier because the child views a parent as someone they want to please.
Since Shauna is now an adolescent, Dr. Zimbardo recommends giving her a copy of The Student's Shyness Handbook found in the back of his book, The Shy Child. The handbook explains shyness to the adolescent, and the guidelines for shy behavior modifications. To the parents of adolescent shy children he recommends, "working indirectly to make their children feel secure and have fewer things over which to feel self conscious" (183). He advises parents of shy adolescents to provide personal appearance assistance and participating in the education system of the shy child.
Shauna and I reviewed Zimbardo's The Student's Shyness Handbook topics:
1. The Decision to Change2. Learning About Your Shy Feelings
3. Building Self-Esteem
4. Your Personal Appearance
5. Learn to Be Your Own Best Friend
6. Practice Social Skills
7. Dealing with the Opposite Sex (Zimbardo & Radl 214)
Shauna liked the handbook and thought that it was easy to understand. She decided to try a shyness behavior modification outlined by Zimbardo one day at school. After picking her up that day from school she smiled and said, "Guess what Mom?"
I looked at her in the rearview mirror and asked, "What Shauna?"
"Well, Mr. McReyonlds asked a geography question today so I raised my hand, and I told him the answer.""That's great Shauna!" I said happily.
"Yeah, it wasn't so bad, " she said smiling.
Since that time Shauna has shared her animation artwork with other people and has made new friends. There are times that her shyness keeps her from social outings, but she continues to work at being more social. I am beginning to see a more outgoing person emerge as time passes. I know that as her confidence builds she will someday take the steps to become an animator, and her hidden dream will come true.
Works Cited
Berent, Jonathan & Associates. "The Sociability Questionnaire." Personal Correspondence.
10 Feb. 2000.
Biggs, Shauna. Personal Interview. 20 Feb. 2000.
Henderson, Lynne and Philip Zimbardo. "Shyness" (1996). 2 Feb. 2000.
Internet. Available http://www.shyness.com/encyclopedia.html.
Malouff, John. "Helping Young Children Overcome Shyness." (1998). 2 Feb. 2000.
Internet. Available http://www.polaris.nova.edu/~malouffj/shyness.htm.
Zimbardo, Philip G. Shyness. Reading: Perseus Books, 1989.
Zimbardo, Philip G. and Shirley Radl. The Shy Child. New York: Macgraw-Hill, 1981.
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