Thou Shalt Not Divorce
Thou shalt not divorce? I don’t recollect that being one of the Ten Commandments, but it must be. Why else would everyone be in such an uproar about it? Let us take a look at divorce and society’s attitude concerning it. That would be ATTITUDE in all caps for emphasis. Why is the D-word so bad anyway? It is still spoken of in hushed tones in church and there is still shame expressed and judgment given- whether it is merited or not. Why is “divorced” the synonym for “failed” in our society? I went in search of some facts about divorce and this is what I found.
“The legal dissolution of a marriage; the complete separation of things” is how divorce is defined in Webster’s 1999 dictionary. In an older Webster’s Dictionary it is defined as “ a complete legal breaking up of a marriage: separation, severance.” So far, so good. In the Webster’s Family Encyclopedia, it says,
Divorce, legal dissolution of a valid marriage, as distinguished from separation, in which the partners remain married but live apart, and annulment, in which the marriage is deemed to be invalid. In most cases, divorce leaves the partners free to remarry, sometimes after a set period. Divorce has existed in most cultures, but it’s availability and the grounds for it have varied widely. Christianity regards marriage as a sacrament that may not lightly be set aside, and this view has affected the western concept of divorce. The Roman Catholic Church still does not allow divorce, but most other churches do. In the United States each state makes it’s own divorce laws. Adultery is the most widely accepted ground for divorce; others include cruelty, alcoholism, insanity, desertion, and conviction of a serious crime. A modern trend is to make irreparable breakdown of the marriage another ground, without involving the misconduct of either party; the first states to introduce this were California and Iowa. Divorce is a major social problem in the United States; it has been estimated that 1 in every 2 marriages ends in divorce.
Okay, now we have issues. “Divorce is a major social problem in the United States,” but is it? I think it is more like: major social problems have led to many divorces in the United States. I also like that little line about “ a modern trend is to make irreparable breakdown of the marriage another ground.” I don’t know about you, but if I know anything at all about divorce, I know that there is nothing trendy about it.
I next went to The Complete Idiots Guide to The Perfect Marriage. What about a guide to the perfect divorce? In their wisdom, the authors advise us “Getting a divorce is not necessarily the answer to a conflicted marriage. Many people who divorce one person for another end up with the same problems, probably because they bring the same unresolved issues into their next relationship. We encourage people to stay in their marriage and work through their issues together” (19). Is that right? “Work through their issues together”, huh? Well, why don’t we all just do that instead of giving up and ditching the whole idea, that is the “modern trend”, right? Obviously the people who are writing this stuff haven’t lived with my ex-husband! More on that a little later on. Let’s keep investigating for now, shall we?
As a born again Christian, I naturally wanted to know what the Good Book had to say on this subject, so that is where I inquired next.
I found a few scriptures on divorce in the Old Testament books in my NIV Bible, but I didn’t really lend them much credence since I believe that Jesus’ death and resurrection made the Old Testament Laws null and void. The New Testament books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and 1 Corinthians, The Gospels, the Good-News books, now that is a different story all together. Matthew, Mark, and Luke sound so similar that they must all be referring to the same conversation with Jesus where he tells them “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” Hmmmm. I then flipped over to 1Corinthians, and I found chapter 7, verses 10-11, which say, “To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.” O.K., I guess that pretty much tells it like it is. Not a whole lot of room for debating how Jesus feels about divorce, is there? I guess in His eyes it is permissible to divorce just as long as neither of you re-marry. I have spent much time in prayer over those verses, and I also asked a few people that I know to have good Christian values, what they think. Mark, my boss and friend, a faithful Christian, said, “Just because you make one mistake God doesn’t want you to be miserable your whole life! My mother remarried, she is a Christian, and she is very happy” (Dillon 2001). Another guy named Mark that I spoke with one morning in my office said, “ You have to interpret the scripture, go with your own convictions, and work out your own salvation” (Zieglitz 2001). In my words, what that means is this, to each his own. You do what you think you should do. When in doubt, just do what I do. Ask God.
Now that we know what divorce is according to a few expert sources, let's look at some expert facts. According to Debra Goldentyer, author of Parental Divorce, there are 2.4 million marriages a year, and 1.2 million divorces (Goldentyer 40). So, one out of every two marriages ends in divorce. I have noticed that whenever I mention divorce to people, in idle conversation, the usual response is to purse their lips, squint their eyes, and say something along the lines of “kids these days just don’t have what it takes, they don’t care, they are just interested in having fun.” Okay, one point is well taken, the divorce rate has gone from 385 divorces in a year in 1950 to 1215 divorces a year in 1992 (Goldentyer 12). That is a tremendous change in our society. Barbara Whitehead devoted an entire book to what she calls “The Divorce Culture.” To quote her a little, the first line of her introduction says, “Divorce is now part of everyday American life” (3). Okay. So are video game boys, sex education, DVD players, abortions, and homosexual marriages- those are all “part of everyday American life” now too (Whitehead 3). Her introduction, titled “The Making of a Divorce Culture,” explains to her readers how divorce was
once regarded mainly as a social, legal, and family event in which there were other stockholders, divorce now became an event closely linked to the pursuit of individual satisfactions, opportunities, and growth…The dissolution of marriage offered the chance to make oneself over from the inside out, to refurbish and express the inner self, and to acquire certain valuable psychological assets and competencies, such as initiative, assertiveness, and a stronger and better self image. (5)
Her book continues in this mindset for 195 pages- too long if you ask me. As I read books and articles and checked out Web sites, it wasn’t unusual to find the author’s tone a little haughty. I read books written for children that broke my heart, books written by the children of divorced parents, some angry, some okay. As a divorced woman, I have encountered plenty of this attitude towards divorce and divorcees. Almost everything that I got my hands on concentrated on the horrible implications of divorce on society, children, religion, and the economy.
Let us look at a few more facts. Women seek over 72% of divorces, and 70% of all divorces involve children. The mother retains custody of the children 90% of the time, and the father pays child support 10%of the time. The woman’s standard of living typically drops 70% and the man’s rises, on average, 40%. What’s wrong with this picture? According to popular belief, the over 70% of women that seek divorce must consider it trendy and self-fulfilling to live alone with the children, not receive support 90% of the time, and sustain a 70% cut in her standard of living. Along the same line, I guess men who divorce consider it trendy and self-fulfilling and that is why they usually hang in there until the woman files for divorce, they face the financial implications of child support, and 90% of the time, they learn to live separately from their children. Wow, self-fulfilling, right? So much for experts.
My brother and I were taken into state custody, away from our mother, whenever we were just babies. Our father threw my brother, who was only a few months old, down a flight of stairs, causing him to have an aneurysm, crossed eyes, and a broken arm and ribs. For whatever reason, she stayed with him, even after the state removed my brother from her home. Whenever I came along, the state didn’t wait for incident number two. They removed me from the home when I was just six weeks old and told our mother that if she ever wanted us back she would have to divorce our father and clean up her act. She did.
I can still see my mother, halfway out the window of our second story apartment, with her second husband, Butch, beating her on the butt and legs with a frying pan. Later on that night I wet on myself in our car because my mom was too scared to pull over now that she was finally getting away. She divorced him.
Ten years later she caught husband number three with another woman. You got it! She divorced him. If you ask me, the divorces aren’t the worst part of these stories.
Forty people, mostly strangers, are looking at me in shock and disbelief, their talking stopped mid-sentence. I rush through them, covering myself as best I could, to the safety of my neighbor’s bedroom. She then gives me some clothes, examines the bruises on my throat and face, and lets me use her phone to call and warn the babysitter not to let my husband have our children. I gain my composure as best I can and somehow find the courage to walk back out and face all of those people there for my neighbor’s son’s first birthday party. You don’t quite expect a naked woman at a one year old’s party, do you? Ten years of that and you might consider divorce too.
My very good friend, Juanita, caught her husband having an sex with her best friend and then suffered the humiliation whenever that infidelity led to her husband fathering her best friend’s baby. Yup-she divorced him.
The girl that lived down the street from me was devastated whenever her husband got drunk and accidentally killed a man and was sentenced to 15 years in prison. He has never seen their baby that was born eight months later. Her divorce came shortly there after.
My cousin caught her husband viewing child pornography-my daughter’s teacher found out that her husband was having a baby with the woman he was having an affair with-my aunt left in the middle of the night after her husband pushed her down a flight of stairs and caused her to miscarry their baby.
My point is this; divorce is not always the worst thing that could happen! It is more the solution to a problem rather than being the problem itself. Why does society frown on us? We are the victims. Yes, I chose to divorce, but what were my options? I wasn’t looking for self-fulfillment or trying to be trendy- I was running for my life. Who knows what I saved my children from? Yes, it was very hard to hold them while they cried for their father, whom I loved too, but who had addictions and alcoholism and anger management problems. Which one is worse, missing their dad or burying their mother because their father beat her to death? Of all the divorced people that I know, not one of them wanted to get a divorce. They each and every one have valid reasons for making that decision, and you can believe it took its toll. If having confidence, and self-esteem, and valuing your own life is wrong, then I am guilty and deserving of societies judgment. Divorce is not the problem; it is the solution to the problem. Alcoholism, drugs, infidelity, abuse, crime, these are the problems. Having the strength to get yourself and your children away from all of that harm is not the problem.
Since I have been divorced I have been to more churches than Carter has got little liver pills. Why, you ask? Because a divorced woman with three children is not very fashionable in church, especially since I refuse to tell them that my church in Florida moved me up here to help me get away from my husband, to protect me and my children. I refuse to explain myself to them or go into detail. If society wants to judge me, then so be it. My ex-husband pays zero child support, I work 40 hours a week, take 19 hours in school, and make the Dean’s list, and I provide for three children and myself. As hard as that sounds, we are so much happier.
If that is a sin, then it is one that I can and will live with. In Stephanie Staal’s book, The Love They Lost, she points out that “It’s impossible to evaluate the impact of parental divorce on children without taking into account what the family life consisted of beforehand” (54). Amen sister- I couldn’t have said that any better if I had tried. Divorce is associated with “failure” in our society. The people that are making the judgments on divorce are obviously not divorced, right? I could write a 194-page book on how it feels to be a sea turtle- but, how much first hand information am I going to be able to include in that book? I can study sea turtles all I want to and I am still not going to know first hand how it feels to be a sea turtle. Here is a little something to think about next time you think about saying something snide about your divorced neighbor who had the audacity to run for homeroom mother; one out of every two marriages end in divorce- careful, that isn’t very good odds.
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Nicki West –Writing II-Spring 2002